Nervous

It's so weird that I am much more scared/nervous this time around than with our firstborn. Then, I was just so excited to meet the baby and had 100% confidence that I could do this. Now, I am afraid that I'm not going to cut it. I know people always say how it's amazing when that second one comes there is just as much room in your heart and in your life for that one as there is the first, but I'm not there yet. I feel like I've already cheated the little one out of bonding time since things are so busy with a crazy two-year-old I don't have time to be thinking and excited about his little sibling. I keep thinking that I'm not as attached to this baby as I was to Kyler at this time, and what if that leads to post-partum depression or something and I end up screwing up our kid? And how can I be as in love with and attached to and tuned into another baby that isn't my Ky Ky? But then I see these tiny newborns and cute babies that aren't even mine and my heart melts for them so surely it will be fine. When I told this to Brett he said, "well hopefully the baby isn't ugly." That lightened things up. :)

And then I get nervous about the big brother. He is already having some issues with his younger sibling and he/she isn't even born yet. He gets really upset if I can't hold him (the two of them are too heavy for me to hold standing up for more than a couple minutes) or when he's trying to lay on/next to me comfortably and this big belly is in the way. Or when I tell him that he needs to be more careful and gentle so he doesn't hurt Baby Pat. We have been trying to explain that Mama is going to have to hold the baby a lot so Dada will have to hold Kyler or he can sit by me. Then he looks at me and whines to be held right then. I tell him that I can still hold him sometimes but not all the time because the baby needs Mama too. We told him that we are going to be Kyler's Mama/Dada and the baby's Mama/Dada and he said no. He asked where Baby Pat's house is even though he is well aware that the nursery is set up for the baby. I think the kid is in total denial that this tiny thing is going to be interrupting his life as he knows it in one short month.

I'm sure it will all be fine once we see the face of our newest family member but right now it's hard to imagine that moment. I keep thinking of how badly we wanted this baby and how hard we fought to get to this point, and that I'm not cherishing every moment and am sometimes dreading the long nights to come. I think a big part of it is because I am getting more tired and a little more uncomfortable every day. So I don't want to think about not being able to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time for nights and nights and nights. And my patience with Kyler has already taken a toll for those same reasons of tiredness and discomfort so I don't want it to get worse although I'm sure it will at times when we're in the thick of the sleepless nights.

I know deep down that we will get through it - we have to. And that we are going to be happier than we could have ever imagined. And that a million other people have kids this close together and get along beautifully (mostly). And that we are so so so lucky to even have these fears to contemplate. I guess it's just more frightening this time because we know what it's like to have a newborn and on top of that we have this other little guy who will be fighting for our attention. We also already know how important these little kiddos are to our lives and we want to make their lives as perfect as we can. Basically, I'm afraid of messing something up. I mean really, who doesn't want to be the perfect Mama?